Conversations my Husband Does Not Find Interesting During Football

So, in honor of Super Bowl weekend, I've decided to repost this from last year. I'm sure there will be new ones to add by tomorrow night!

1. You know, I think they have the nicest looking uniforms.Don't you? They're a very nice color.

2. Wow, that guy was little. Did you see how little he was? I wonder what position he plays. I think his name started with a C. Or a G.

3. Hey! They have a real bird! They had a real sea hawk! I don't think you're allowed to keep them as pets. How can they have him? Maybe he was injured. And they rehabilitated him. Did you see him? Want me to rewind?

4. The announcer just called Seattle the Emerald City. I never heard it called that. It isn't Oz. Does he think it's Oz? (Followed by my slightly off tune rendition of the theme song from "Here Come the Brides" about Seattle.)

5. Why did they say he isn't hurt? He looks hurt. Look, his leg bent funny when they tackled him. I think he's hurt.

6. Danica Patrick really isn't going to undress. Are they stupid enough to think she is really going to take her shirt off?

7. Heh heh heh. They said the tight end got deep penetration. Heh heh heh.

8. Why are they dropping Kleenex on the ground?! (From Linda) Don't they know that's littering? (My add-on)

9. Ha ha ha- Look! Part of his leg disappeared because he is standing on the fake yellow line!

10. Posted by my friend Mike: "So we're watching the NFL playoffs (Ravens v KC) and my wife says, "I don't like the font used in the Ravens uniform numbers". I just turned and looked at her... Really, the font?"

Self delusion

I have come to the startling conclusion (well, I was startled- my friends and family, probably not so much) that I am far more fun online, and in my head, than I am in person. I’m not saying this to down myself- I know I can be witty, entertaining, and pleasant company, even when standing next to you! My problem is I rarely WANT to go stand next to someone! I’m not agoraphobic, but I REALLY like staying home. A good day is when I don’t have to get dressed and go somewhere. I don’t like going to picnics in the summer, because I hate to be hot and I hate bugs. I would just as soon hibernate like a bear from November till March, so that I’m not shivering. I do like to explore museums and points of interest in optimal weather conditions, but then my knees hurt because I’m fat and I’m old. When I went on a whale watch, while everyone was gasping, “Look there’s ANOTHER whale, and THIS one has a calf with it!” I was thinking “It’s the tenth freaking whale we’ve seen- can’t we turn around and go back, before I toss my cookies? Get a high-def TV and watch Nat Geo- it’s a much better view.”



Even one of my favorite “not at home” activities is (go figure) almost an extension of being home. I love to drive in my car. My own little isolated bubble. When I was in my twenties, my friend Marie and I would just go out driving for hours. Talking, listening to music, and exploring the area. My theory was and is that you’re never lost, because you always end up SOMEWHERE. My daughter shares my driving quirk- some of our best conversations have happened during car rides, and there were countless times she’d say, “No, don’t go home- I like this song- let’s drive some more!”


Good news for me though....some studies say your subconscious mind can’t tell the difference between imagining doing something, and actually doing it. (Your conscious mind knows, of course, unless you are delusional) So there! If that’s the case, as an avid reader, I’ve done a LOT, subconsciously, all from the comfort of my couch! In fact, new research is suggesting that visualization can actually strengthen muscles, not to the extent of performing an actual exercise, but in a measurable amount. See here. No one will even have to go to the gym!


 I don’t want to jump out of a plane. I don’t want to climb a mountain because it’s there. (Although I WILL look at pictures of it on Google) I don’t want to go to most gatherings and make small talk, or go shopping for hours, or go bar hopping. I hated tubing down the river (rapids were scary)  and I’m convinced that either that a shark will eat me, or I will drown in a rip current, if I go past my knees in the ocean. (although I REALLY like sitting on a deck OVERLOOKING the ocean, while I read my book : / )

Yes, in real life, I’m Boring with a capital B. But in my mind, damn I’m fun to be around!

The New Adventures of Old Clyde

This morning I staggered into the kitchen to pour a much needed and very large cup of coffee. Clyde, as usual, was at my feet begging loudly. I decided to grab a piece of cheese from the fridge, and rest my coffee on the sink/ counter lip. Oops. Not a good idea. Over goes the cup, and a giant waterfall of coconut coffee cascades to cover both the kitchen floor AND my idiot cat, who then runs through the house like the coffee fairy from hell, sprinkling each room with a lovely spattering of coffee drops. I test the Quicker Picker Upper theory and throw some Bounty on the flood in the kitchen, then go in search of Clyde. (Easy to do- just follow the java trail through my house.) I find him sitting indignantly on my bed (of course), which now also has coffee across the entire king-sized spread. Despite my attempts to sponge him off, his once white hind quarters now have a tan mottling, and a distinct coconut aroma. He's still stalking around the house, complaining loudly, further annoyed by Jade the dog, who has decided Clyde's butt smells like breakfast. I haven't decided whether to piss him off further by trying to bathe him, or to leave him be. Have I mentioned he has a vet appointment today at 3? This will be an interesting visit.

Autumn Leaves

One of my dad's favorite family events of the year was my sister's annual Labor Day Clambake. Some of my last happy memories of him were at  last year's picnic: my dad and his brother Armand talking away as they loaded up on steamers and homemade chowder, and the picture I have of my dad and mom opening the presents of their final wedding anniversary (the only picture I have of my mom where she looks truly happy and in the moment).

Needless to say, as much as everyone was looking forward to our annual get-together this year, I think we all also dreaded it a little. My dad passed away 18 days after last year's picnic. What would it be like without him there?

One of the things I remember about my dad is how he always saved the pop tops from aluminum cans for the Shriner's Hospital in Springfield, which collected them  to raise money. There'd always be a bag or cup of them by the kitchen counter, and he'd remind me to save the tops of my sodas for him.

As I walked through the yard at the picnic today, this was in my path:

Now, I know, someone had been playing with their soda can, and it came off, and it then somehow got knocked off the table, and it landed in the grass, and any other day I wouldn't have even noticed it.

But today, I'd like to think my dad was there at that picnic with us, and that's how he let me know.

Since you went away
The days grow long
And soon I'll hear
Old winter's song
But I miss you most of all
When autumn leaves
Start to fall.  

"Autumn Leaves" adapted to English by Johnny Mercer



That could have been my child

Over the past week, both Kaite and Nick and Kali have faced the death of girls they knew. Both girls were in their early twenties; one lost to a heinous murder, one to an overdose. You expect older people to pass on eventually, but to see a life of promise cut short is inexplicable. That’s not how it’s supposed to work. 

 How can I guide my kids through their grief and confusion, when it doesn’t even make sense to me, as an adult? I found myself googling things like “making sense of murder”, “dealing with the death of a young person”. I didn’t find much advice at all. I realize people who commit violent murders are insane to some degree, and that you can’t explain such acts rationally, because they aren’t rational, but there is such a feeling of impotence wrapped up in untimely death. All the articles regarding murder talk about forgiveness being healing… well, screw forgiveness… I hope they find the bastard who stabbed Amanda and rip him to shreds. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN MY CHILD!


When I was younger, I was into reading all kinds of metaphysical books, and came across something that described envisioning a “bubble” of light around people you loved to keep them safe. Every night before I went to bed, I would go down the row, picturing each person I loved, surrounding them with my “bubble” to keep them safe. Bubbles around their car, their house, their bed…wherever they were. I slept better, hoping I was doing my little part in counteracting the evil of the world. Years later, I know that sometimes evil triumphs. Sometimes really horrible things happen, and I can’t keep anyone I love safe from danger, pain, or grief.


Either one of those girls could have been my child. Or yours. It makes no sense, and my heart screams for the anguish their parents are going through. I try to believe that everything happens for a reason, but there is no reason for these deaths. Sometimes the world just sucks.

 Rest in peace Robyn and Amanda.

♫ I'd like to buy the world a Coke....♫

So lately I’ve been all earthy crunchy. I started reading Eat Pray Love, and started eating semi organic. Which means I spread my Skippy peanut butter on Ezekial Bread toast. (“Ezekiel 4:9® Bread, made from freshly sprouted organically grown grains, is naturally flavorful and bursting with nutrients”) The book and the health phase aren’t related…I have to blame the previous book I read, and Jillian Michaels who wrote it, for the organic, healthy eating.

Whether it’s my spiritual side, or my arteries gasping in relief at two days without transfats and pesticides, I do feel pretty good today. Much better than the last two days, when I thought my head would shoot off my neck like a bottle rocket gone mad, due to a combination of work stress and Coke withdrawal. (Not the snort or smoke kind- my monkey comes in a bottle full of high fructose corn syrup that you can buy at the 7-Eleven down the street.)
 

I don’t think I would ever be able to eat entirely organic, though- even the cream for my coffee has some kind of chemical in it! It’s CREAM for crying out loud- who knew I would have to look for extra ingredients in it?! (Not to mention I’m supposed to find cream from cows that haven’t been injected with rBGH- some genetically created bovine growth hormone). 

On the plus side, the organic food section at Stop and Shop has lots and lots of cookies. I guess that makes sense- if you have to spend your day eating twigs, sprouts, and trying to find cream without chemicals, you need cookies to keep you from making a sling shot out of your Birkenstocks and firing pesticide-free grapes at passersby.

 Now on to the book- I have to say, I’m thoroughly enjoying it. No desire to see the movie though- I figure they’ll just bastardize it. Kind of like they did with “He’s Just Not That Into You.” There are so many light bulb moments in it as I read, even though it’s just one woman’s journeys, that I’ve actually started marking pages off to refer back to.

I’ll give you an example!

"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts."

- Elizabeth Gilbert

And another:

"There's a reason we refer to "leaps of faith" - because the decision to consent to any notion of divinity is a mighty jump from the rational over to the unknowable, and I don't care how diligently scholars of every religion will try to sit you down with their stacks of books and prove to you through scripture that their faith is indeed rational; it isn't. If faith were rational, it wouldn't be - by definition - faith. Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be... a prudent insurance policy."

- Elizabeth Gilbert

Of course the book isn’t ALL like that- that would be tough to read. It’s mostly a warm, funny story of one woman’s journey to find herself. (Oops, I’m turning this into a book review.)

It’s all very enlightening, but I still have no desire to go an Ashram in India and sit on stone floors for hours to meditate. I can’t even sit in a comfy recliner without fidgeting.

The Path of Decay

I've been reading lots of great blogs lately, and it's intimidating me. Plus, I'm worried that I'll subconsciously plagiarize one a few months down the road, when I think a good idea has miraculously come to me in my sleep! I need to not read other blogs.

Anyway, David's 50th birthday is a few days away, and he's in somewhat of a funk about it. He's kicking and screaming in protest as he marches down the path of decay. I, on the other hand, am going to make an awesome old person, and here are 12 reasons why:

1. I  frequently get up at dawn. I like mornings. (If I have coffee. Preferably coconut.)
2. I think restaurants should start serving lunch at 10:30 a.m. (Unless it's a pizza place, in which case they should be open all night. WHY aren't pizza places open for breakfast?!)
3. I'm so lazy that I can't wait to have my very own motorized scooter/ chair.
4. I see nothing wrong with dinner at 4:30.
5. I laugh hysterically at shows like "Golden Girls" and "Hot in Cleveland." In addition, I clap and yell "Good answer!" when watching Family Feud (unless their answer sucks, at which point I tell them they're stupid), and I'm great at solving the puzzles on "Wheel of Fortune"
6. I already cut my meat up into really small pieces; when I'm old it will be easier to chew.
7. I have no problem asking for directions if I get lost.
8. I already pee a little if I laugh too hard. Or cough. Or sneeze.
9. I'm all set for when I go deaf, because I like having the closed captioning on when I watch TV.
10. I have 4 cats.
11. Gravity and I have already come to terms with each other.
12. And best of all, I have a huge bank of wild memories for when I go senile and live in the past.