Who's that girl?

For the past three Februarys, we’ve attended a large (300 plus) party, compete with a huge potluck dinner and band.  In the past, I’ve left by 8:30, stuffed from food, feeling ill, and usually on the verge of a panic attack.

This year, I was hungry an hour before the party, so I ate dinner at home. When we arrived, I wasn’t hungry, so just glanced at the long line of homemade food.  (No exaggeration- when 300 people all bring a dish, there is a HUGE amount of food. The tables lined one entire wall of the hall) There were a few meat dishes and veggie dishes I could have sampled, but eh, I wasn’t hungry anymore. My husband enjoyed two platefuls, while I had some seltzer, and was perfectly happy. There was a plateful of cupcakes, brownies, and other sweets in the center of the table- I glanced at them, then noticed them no more than I did the silverware and napkins.

A couple hours after the dinner was served, I was watching a nearby group, and thinking how different my life is now. They each had platefuls of munchies and desserts, and passed them between them, exclaiming how yummy everything was. I’m not judging them- in the past that was me. That was how I enjoyed parties. That was what a party meant to me… how many different yummy foods were there to gorge myself with. I thought I was having fun.

This year, I danced every fast dance the band played. I was barely out of breath. I wasn’t overheated to the point of wondering if I was going to faint. People I knew came up me and exclaimed about the difference in me. They didn’t mean the weight, even though in the last seven months I’ve dropped 5-6 sizes.  They meant the spark. They said they had never seen me so happy and having so much fun. Even my husband, who sees me every day, said he had never seen that expression on my face before. He said my face was lit up like a teenage girl at a high school dance. And honestly, that’s what I felt like. I was me again. I wasn’t paralyzed with embarrassment anymore. I wasn’t locked in that prison of fat. I had energy…I could move… I was having FUN!

This morning, I’m not even sore (thank you Zumba for the conditioning!) and the glow is still there. Welcome back, life. I missed you more than I even knew.

Late Summer 2013- February 2014

Seize the Shore

I've decided to do something impractical, scary, and exhilarating, all rolled into one.

I'm going on vacation by myself. Nothing too extreme- no trek through the Swiss Alps- just a few days in Maine, oceanside. David couldn't get the time off, and our annual room was already booked; I had a decision to make.

I could go with a friend- I knew several who could use a break. I could give the room to someone else. The girls have an anniversary coming up. The boy and his girlfriend would probably jump at the chance. Another couple I know haven't been able to afford a vacation in years. Then a faint little voice inside me said "Wait" and I realized that instead of taking care of everyone else and making them happy, it was time to take care of me.

I had to do battle with myself over the decision. For someone with an anxiety disorder, to "throw off the bowlines and sail away from the safe harbor" isn't an easy thing to do. A midnight panic attack is hard enough to get through in my living room, never mind alone in a hotel room, far away from home.

Still, I'm going. For three days and two nights next week, I'm going to be on my own. I'm going to sleep when I want, eat when and what I want, read when I want, and wander the shops.I'm going to watch the sun rise, and talk to strangers, and drive down unknown roads. I'm going to be introspective, and ponder the meaning of life, and stick my toes in the sand until they grow numb from the frigid Maine waters. I'm going to fall asleep alone in a strange place, but with the ocean roaring in my ears.

“I crossed the street to walk in the sunshine.”

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

     

Smiling through anxiety...

While I don't suffer from panic attacks as severely or frequently as some people that I know, there are times when it can be down right paralyzing. While reading the forum at an anxiety website, I came across these in the humor section. I've compiled them to hopefully give fellow sufferers some laughter through the pain. I can't take credit for writing any of these, but there are definitely a few I can relate to!

You know you have anxiety when….

·         You look for the nearest escape route everywhere you go.

·         You wonder if anyone would notice if you locked yourself in the bathroom at your own party.

·         You carry an industrial size bottle of hand sanitizer with you wherever you go.

·         You have to mentally prep yourself for three days before going to pick up milk at the grocery store.

·         You envy your pets because they don't have to leave the house.

·         You don’t care if taking side streets takes longer as long as you can avoid the highway.

·         Immediately upon waking you check to make sure every part of your body feels normal. If your toe hurts you panic for the rest of the day and call in sick.

·         You're pretty sure the receptionist at your doctor's office hates you.

·         You leave a cart full of groceries because the check-out line is too long.

·         You let your hair grow ridiculously long because you're sure awful things will happen if you sit in that chair.

·         You suffer through horrible headaches because you're sure that if you take a painkiller it will kill you.

·         When you do take a pill, any pill, you cut it in half, and sometimes in quarters, just to make sure you're not taking too much.

·         When someone's talking to you, they have no idea that while you're looking at them and nodding, you're not hearing one word they're saying because all you can think of is "how do I get out of here?"

·         You take a shower and do your hair because you don't want the paramedics who are going to pick up your dead body to comment that you smell and look awful.

·         While you’re in the shower, you hurry up, so you’re not found naked by the paramedics

·         You put on half a can of Deep Woods off to mow the lawn because you don't want to catch West Nile Virus from a mosquito

·         You’re AFRAID to put on Deep Woods Off because it might kill you.

·         You know where every bathroom is in every grocery store and mall.

  

·         You constantly check your fingernails to see if they are turning blue because you heard when people aren’t getting enough oxygen their fingernails turn blue.

·         You stop swimming in the ocean because you are scared of getting stung by a lethal jellyfish/ getting eaten by a shark/ getting caught in a rip tide.

·         You teach every one the Heimlich Maneuver just in case you start choking when you are out for dinner with them.

·         You also make sure you know how to do it to yourself in case you choke when you're alone.

·         When you are out of town, you look for hospital signs on the parkway "just in case"

·         You get all panicky two weeks before you have to pick up your relatives at the airport because you have to drive at night on the freeway.

·         You can recite your relaxation CD - word for word...and put others in a relaxed state.

·         You arrive a little early to events that you have to go to, just so you can be one of the first to pick a seat, which of course would be whichever one is closest to an exit or bathroom.

·         Your spouse will not let you read the possible side effects literature that comes with your medication because you believe you are experiencing every one of the symptoms

·         You’re sure any bridge that you cross will cave in, so you take the long way around.

     ·         You have to sit in the emergency room parking lot to take new meds, just in case.

·         You constantly check your pulse to make sure you are still alive and are not dying from a heart attack.

·         You check your pulse so much you make your neck sore. THEN you worry because something must to be wrong with your neck for it to be so sore!

·         You carry the portable phone from room to room with you, including the bathroom, so that when you pass out or get violently ill you can call for help.

·         Before a trip you use map quest just to see exactly how far away it is that you will have to travel.

·         You don’t want to move to the country because it would take the ambulance too long to get from your house to the hospital.

·         You use the blood pressure machine so often at the local CVS that you buy something just because you feel guilty.

Conversations my Husband Does Not Find Interesting During Football

So, in honor of Super Bowl weekend, I've decided to repost this from last year. I'm sure there will be new ones to add by tomorrow night!

1. You know, I think they have the nicest looking uniforms.Don't you? They're a very nice color.

2. Wow, that guy was little. Did you see how little he was? I wonder what position he plays. I think his name started with a C. Or a G.

3. Hey! They have a real bird! They had a real sea hawk! I don't think you're allowed to keep them as pets. How can they have him? Maybe he was injured. And they rehabilitated him. Did you see him? Want me to rewind?

4. The announcer just called Seattle the Emerald City. I never heard it called that. It isn't Oz. Does he think it's Oz? (Followed by my slightly off tune rendition of the theme song from "Here Come the Brides" about Seattle.)

5. Why did they say he isn't hurt? He looks hurt. Look, his leg bent funny when they tackled him. I think he's hurt.

6. Danica Patrick really isn't going to undress. Are they stupid enough to think she is really going to take her shirt off?

7. Heh heh heh. They said the tight end got deep penetration. Heh heh heh.

8. Why are they dropping Kleenex on the ground?! (From Linda) Don't they know that's littering? (My add-on)

9. Ha ha ha- Look! Part of his leg disappeared because he is standing on the fake yellow line!

10. Posted by my friend Mike: "So we're watching the NFL playoffs (Ravens v KC) and my wife says, "I don't like the font used in the Ravens uniform numbers". I just turned and looked at her... Really, the font?"

Self delusion

I have come to the startling conclusion (well, I was startled- my friends and family, probably not so much) that I am far more fun online, and in my head, than I am in person. I’m not saying this to down myself- I know I can be witty, entertaining, and pleasant company, even when standing next to you! My problem is I rarely WANT to go stand next to someone! I’m not agoraphobic, but I REALLY like staying home. A good day is when I don’t have to get dressed and go somewhere. I don’t like going to picnics in the summer, because I hate to be hot and I hate bugs. I would just as soon hibernate like a bear from November till March, so that I’m not shivering. I do like to explore museums and points of interest in optimal weather conditions, but then my knees hurt because I’m fat and I’m old. When I went on a whale watch, while everyone was gasping, “Look there’s ANOTHER whale, and THIS one has a calf with it!” I was thinking “It’s the tenth freaking whale we’ve seen- can’t we turn around and go back, before I toss my cookies? Get a high-def TV and watch Nat Geo- it’s a much better view.”



Even one of my favorite “not at home” activities is (go figure) almost an extension of being home. I love to drive in my car. My own little isolated bubble. When I was in my twenties, my friend Marie and I would just go out driving for hours. Talking, listening to music, and exploring the area. My theory was and is that you’re never lost, because you always end up SOMEWHERE. My daughter shares my driving quirk- some of our best conversations have happened during car rides, and there were countless times she’d say, “No, don’t go home- I like this song- let’s drive some more!”


Good news for me though....some studies say your subconscious mind can’t tell the difference between imagining doing something, and actually doing it. (Your conscious mind knows, of course, unless you are delusional) So there! If that’s the case, as an avid reader, I’ve done a LOT, subconsciously, all from the comfort of my couch! In fact, new research is suggesting that visualization can actually strengthen muscles, not to the extent of performing an actual exercise, but in a measurable amount. See here. No one will even have to go to the gym!


 I don’t want to jump out of a plane. I don’t want to climb a mountain because it’s there. (Although I WILL look at pictures of it on Google) I don’t want to go to most gatherings and make small talk, or go shopping for hours, or go bar hopping. I hated tubing down the river (rapids were scary)  and I’m convinced that either that a shark will eat me, or I will drown in a rip current, if I go past my knees in the ocean. (although I REALLY like sitting on a deck OVERLOOKING the ocean, while I read my book : / )

Yes, in real life, I’m Boring with a capital B. But in my mind, damn I’m fun to be around!

The New Adventures of Old Clyde

This morning I staggered into the kitchen to pour a much needed and very large cup of coffee. Clyde, as usual, was at my feet begging loudly. I decided to grab a piece of cheese from the fridge, and rest my coffee on the sink/ counter lip. Oops. Not a good idea. Over goes the cup, and a giant waterfall of coconut coffee cascades to cover both the kitchen floor AND my idiot cat, who then runs through the house like the coffee fairy from hell, sprinkling each room with a lovely spattering of coffee drops. I test the Quicker Picker Upper theory and throw some Bounty on the flood in the kitchen, then go in search of Clyde. (Easy to do- just follow the java trail through my house.) I find him sitting indignantly on my bed (of course), which now also has coffee across the entire king-sized spread. Despite my attempts to sponge him off, his once white hind quarters now have a tan mottling, and a distinct coconut aroma. He's still stalking around the house, complaining loudly, further annoyed by Jade the dog, who has decided Clyde's butt smells like breakfast. I haven't decided whether to piss him off further by trying to bathe him, or to leave him be. Have I mentioned he has a vet appointment today at 3? This will be an interesting visit.

Autumn Leaves

One of my dad's favorite family events of the year was my sister's annual Labor Day Clambake. Some of my last happy memories of him were at  last year's picnic: my dad and his brother Armand talking away as they loaded up on steamers and homemade chowder, and the picture I have of my dad and mom opening the presents of their final wedding anniversary (the only picture I have of my mom where she looks truly happy and in the moment).

Needless to say, as much as everyone was looking forward to our annual get-together this year, I think we all also dreaded it a little. My dad passed away 18 days after last year's picnic. What would it be like without him there?

One of the things I remember about my dad is how he always saved the pop tops from aluminum cans for the Shriner's Hospital in Springfield, which collected them  to raise money. There'd always be a bag or cup of them by the kitchen counter, and he'd remind me to save the tops of my sodas for him.

As I walked through the yard at the picnic today, this was in my path:

Now, I know, someone had been playing with their soda can, and it came off, and it then somehow got knocked off the table, and it landed in the grass, and any other day I wouldn't have even noticed it.

But today, I'd like to think my dad was there at that picnic with us, and that's how he let me know.

Since you went away
The days grow long
And soon I'll hear
Old winter's song
But I miss you most of all
When autumn leaves
Start to fall.  

"Autumn Leaves" adapted to English by Johnny Mercer